Mission EDpossible
by Jaha and Zeph
Summary: Ch 5 of 6. Eddy's sure his latest scam will work - after all, what could be more lucrative than a kissing booth? He's got the charm, Nazz has the cash; it couldn't possibly fail, right? Well...of course it can! (A joint effort by Jaha Canon & ZephyrSamba)
1. Great Expectations

A/N:  Hiya, ZephyrSamba here!  This story is the result of the combined efforts of Jaha Canon and myself, sparked by an idea Jaha had suggested…well…ages ago!  We'd actually started it before Christmas, but thanks to a hefty holiday hiatus (my fault), some late-winter lollygagging (me again), and a small springtime stalling stint (erm, yeah…that'd be me, too) it's only now ready for us to finally start posting.  Nonetheless, it's been fun to work on so far – personally, I've really enjoyed collaborating with a fellow aspiring writer to come up with ideas and draft out the chapters; it's amazing how differently something can turn out simply because more than one brain worked on it!  As for Jaha…I'm sure she's appreciated the new and unique perspective I've given her on the concept of "I'll get back to you in a day or so" ;)  Anyway, we hope you like the results – and as always, thanks for reading!

~~~~~

"I don't get it!"  Eddy banged both fists against the table of the ramshackle booth he was sitting at, glaring around the cul-de-sac at nothing in particular.  "We oughta be making boatloads offa this, Double-D!  What the heck's the matter with everyone?"

"Well…"  Edd chewed his lip as he examined the garish, heart-covered booth he'd reluctantly helped build.  "Let's be realistic, Eddy – how many people did you honestly expect would take advantage of 'Eddy's House of Good Kissin'?"  A highly insulted Eddy jumped out of his seat, causing Edd to raise his hands defensively.  "Th-that's simply to say, of course, that we're rather – ah – limited in our customer base – after all, the only females around are Sarah – "

Eddy gagged at the idea. "Yeah, right, like I'd ever kiss that loud-mouthed bullfrog!"

"Um, yes…"  Edd glanced at Ed, but he was busy writing fanciful love poems that, from the sound of it, had something to do with mutant Chihuahuas and many-splendored casseroles.  Edd shrugged and continued.  "All right, then there's…the Kankers…" he gulped, looking anxiously over his shoulder, "…who, precedent indicates, will surely be along any moment to derail our plans with a nightmare of amorous proportions…"

Eddy frowned impatiently.  "I dunno what you just said, Sock-head – but if I can't understand it, I ain't worryin' about it!  Keep going!"

"...Of course, Eddy."  Edd shook his head but continued.  "Well, then that leaves Nazz as our sole potential customer, and at a quarter per kiss she'd have to make four return trips if we were to earn even _one_ dollar – "

"That's what I've been saying all along!  It's that easy!"  Eddy threw his hands up in disgust.  "Pay attention for a change, will ya?  Nazz…will…come…back…LOTS OF TIMES!!!"  He leaned over the booth to glare at Edd, now hunched down on the other side with his hat pulled over his ears.  "Geez, I hate it when you don't listen!"

"I couldn't possibly imagine what _that's_ like, Eddy."  Edd collected his dignity and stood back up.  "But do you truly expect Nazz to be such an ardent supporter of this particular enterprise?"

Eddy gave a haughty laugh.  "Like there's any doubt!  How could she resist – I mean, look at me!"  Putting on his slickest grin, he readjusted the lapels of the purple velour leisure suit he'd donned and smoothed back his hair.  "I can hardly keep from kissing myself!"

Edd raised an eyebrow.  "Truly a match made in heaven…but megalomaniacal delusions aside, the fact remains that we've been here for over an hour with nary a sign of Nazz – "

"Nazz has a canary?"  Ed perked up, finally tuning in to his friends' conversation.  "Do you think it would like a kiss?"  He scribbled a new line to his poem.  "Your wings are so yellow, like – uh – like the Thing From the Junk Drawer's beady yellow eyes!"

"Very…inspired…Ed, but I was merely implying that Nazz hasn't exactly made a beeline to our kissing booth yet."

"Oh."  Ed considered this.  "Maybe canaries are allergic to bees, Double-D."

"I'm allergic to you, Lummox."  Eddy dismissed Ed with a growl before turning back to Edd.  "And you, Bob _Hopeless_!  Did you ever once think that maybe Nazz was just trying to work up her nerve?  This much handsomeness _can_ be a little intimidating, ya know!"

Edd stared.  "I can quite honestly say that that thought had never occurred to me, Eddy."

"Ha!"  Eddy preened smugly.  "That just goes to show who the _real_ brains of this outfit is – huh, Ed?"

But Ed was too busy writing to reply.  "Your brain is soft and mushy, like the pudding under my bed!"  He closed his notebook with a happy sigh.  "Is it love, or is it a twenty-foot caterpillar?"

"It's an unnatural disaster, all right."  Eddy swept his glare over both his friends.  "Now would you two quit scaring away the customers?  Just – just sit down and stop blockin' my light, got it?  Nazz will be here any minute!"  As Ed plopped to the ground, his notebook tucked safely away behind his ear, Eddy adjusted his lapels once more and looked around with a confident grin.  "Yep, won't be long now!"

Realizing that Eddy was pointedly ignoring his incredulous stare, Edd sat down with a shrug and a sigh, trying to get comfortable as he settled in for the wait.  He _knew _he should've brought along a book…


	2. The Moment of Truth

Fifteen minutes later, the Eds were still seated at the booth, still without customers.  Edd glanced at Eddy, but he was frozen in place, the fixed grin on his face a clear sign that it hadn't even occurred to him that Nazz might never arrive.  There was no point trying to convince him otherwise, Edd knew; some lessons could only be learned firsthand.  

And so, they waited. A few lonely crickets chirped.

"Hey guys, listen to this!  HALLO!"

"HALLO!…Hallo!…Hallo…hallo…"

"Cool echo, huh!"

"Shut up, Ed."

They continued to wait.  The sun went down.

"Oh, let's just go home, Eddy, it must be ten o'clock at least!"

"No way, this is perfect – don't you see, Double-D?  Nazz was just waiting for it to get dark out – you know, so it'll be more romantic!"

"…of course, Eddy…"

The waiting dragged on.  New crickets arrived to relieve the first shift.

"Boy, she must be really going all out to get herself ready for me!"

"Ooh, maybe she is teaching her canary to say your name!"

"Shut up, Ed."

"Listen!  There is that echo again!"

Still they waited.  The sun came back up and reached its noontime position once more.

"Ed, are you sure you put the sign on right?  Maybe it's backwards or – "

"Oh, for crying out loud, Eddy!"  Edd jumped to his feet.  "Heed the clichéd cartoon devices and face up to the fact that Nazz simply isn't coming!" He paused as chirping filled the air once more; reaching up, he gently removed a cricket from his hat and set it on the ground.  "I mean, _really_, what will it take for you to see the truth?!  Would perhaps a tumblew—aigh!"  He was cut off as a well-timed tumbleweed suddenly bowled him over.

"Ed-boy!"  Rolf followed closely behind the tumbleweed, stomping over to snatch it off of Edd.  "Why do you dampen the fruits of Rolf's hullabaloo with your soggy buffoonery?"  He seized Edd by the hat and thrust the tumbleweed in his face.  "The Tossing of the Hairball has just begun and already you have dented the honored Sphere of Facial Tweezings!"

"Forgive me, Rolf, I certainly hadn't meant – "  Edd paused, horror slowly dawning on him as he eyed the…thing…held inches away from his face.  "Did you say…f-facial tweezings?"

"All from Nana's flabby second chin!  Impressive, yes?"  Rolf proudly spun the 'tumbleweed' on one finger.  "Tell Rolf, can the elders of the How-Smart-Am-I Ed-boy produce such a fine harvest?"  He nodded smugly at Edd's expression.  "Rolf can see that you are shamed by your ancestors' inadequacies – but do not weep over spilled eels!"   He dumped him back on the ground and cast a good-natured look around at all three Eds.  "Come, you and your sad-sack playfellows may join in the – "

"Yo, Rolf, you comin' back or what?"  At that point Kevin strode over, the rest of the cul-de-sac kids trailing behind.  "My team's only down by two, get the 'ball' and – _Oh_."  His eyes narrowed as he caught sight of the Eds.  "I should've known you dorks were holding things up."  He flicked a glance over the sign on Eddy's booth and gave a snorting laugh.  "Eddy's House of Good Kissin'?  Man, just when I thought you couldn't get any lamer!"

"Laugh it up, Chuckles – you'll see just how _lame_ we can get when Nazz gets here!"

Edd pulled his hat down over his reddening face.  "Dishearteningly well-put, Eddy..."

But neither Eddy nor Kevin was listening, for at that moment a new distraction had arrived.  "HEY!"  Knocking the other kids out of the way, Sarah stormed over to Rolf with Jimmy clinging to her sleeve.  "Jimmy says this heat's bad for his pores!  Are we gonna finish this stupid game soon or – what the heck is that?"  She glared at the sign on Eddy's booth.  "ED!!!  What're you and your stupid friends doing now?"

But Ed had already jumped into his own jacket pocket, from which a muffled "It wasn't me, Sarah!" could now be heard.  Edd cleared his throat and stepped forward.

"Well, Sarah, our ploy du-jour is – "  His eyes ringed up as he realized who he was talking to.  "Uh-hh…"  He glanced back at the sign above the booth and gulped.  "H-heh, that is – you see, what w-we've – oof!"  He suddenly went flying as Eddy shoved him aside.

"Outta the way, Sock-head, you're screwing up the pitch!"  Batting away the pained stars that rose from Edd's general direction, Eddy jumped onto the counter, slid across on one knee, then hopped down to land squarely in front of his audience in his favorite 'sales pitch' pose.  "Ladies and – uh – ladies!  Get ready for the chance of a lifetime!  Step right up and kiss an Ed – and not just _any _Ed, you're getting the best of the bunch!"  He favored Nazz with his widest grin.  "These lips won't wait around forever, so who wants to be first?"  In an undertone still loud enough for the other kids to hear, he added, "As if we didn't know!"

But nobody responded, other than to glance at each other, or, in Nazz's case, to take a sudden and intent interest in making sure her shoes were tied.  Eddy's grin slipped slightly.  "I _said_, who wants a kiss?"  He sidled closer to Nazz.  "There's a discount if you buy more than ten at a time, you know!"

Kevin barked a laugh.  "You think _Nazz_ is gonna pay to kiss you?  Stick to kissin' yourself in the mirror, dork, no girl's gonna fall for your stupid scam!"  He elbowed Rolf and snickered.  "Maybe Eddy can use some of your hairball to make himself a pretty wig, huh Rolf?"

Rolf had been echoing Kevin's grin, but at the reference to his erstwhile 'tumbleweed' he frowned.  "Must Rolf warn you yet again?  Do not offend the honored facial tweezings, for you risk the vengeance of a thousand onions!"  Kevin ignored him, still laughing at Eddy.

"Forget the peanut gallery, Nazz, we've got important business to discuss."  Eddy's growl soon gave way to his wheedling 'salesman' tone once more.  "It's only a quarter a kiss, priced just right for you money-minded romantics!"  He somehow managed to raise his eyebrows and wink at the same time.  "And did I mention the frequent buyer discount?"

Nazz was already backing away.  "Um, that's great Eddy, but I'm – uh – all out of change right now."  She smiled apologetically and pretended not to hear the jingling in her pockets.  "Maybe another time, oka – "

"Don't worry about it, Nazz, I'll spot ya!"  Kevin dug in his pockets while Eddy and Nazz both shot him dirty looks.  "We wouldn't want a little thing like money to get in the way of _true love_, would we?"  The quarter clinked down onto the table; Eddy's eyes strayed to it, but for once he let it remain where it lay.  "Go ahead, Nazz, your "good kissin'" awaits!"

"Gee…thanks Kevin."  By the time Nazz had turned back to Eddy, her face had been carefully composed into a look of polite anticipation.  "Okay, Eddy, I'm ready..."  With a barely perceptible shrug, she closed her eyes and leaned in, her lips puckered.

Eddy found himself staring at Nazz in horror.  _Nazz _was right there, waiting for _him _to kiss her!  But wasn't that what he'd wanted?  Of course it was!  He could do this!  It was just distracting having all those people watch him, that's all.  What the heck was everyone doing here, anyway?  Couldn't a guy get a little privacy?

With a baleful glare at his audience, Eddy wiped his forehead and looked at Nazz again.  He _could_ do this.

_She's just a girl, Eddy...no need to be scared...just a girl...even though it IS Nazz.  It's just a girl and just a kiss...and…don't worry about it just do it.  Don't worry...don't worry...don't worry don't worry don't panic..._

And with that, Eddy puckered up and kissed...a pillow he'd been hugging for the past 5 minutes as he sat rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

"What? When did I get here?" Eddy said angrily as he realized he was back in his room. Ed was practicing kissing with a chicken he had brought with him and Edd was perusing a large stack of books.

Edd looked up.  "Well, Eddy, let's just say you fell short of – ah, that is to say, you didn't quite deliver on – "

"You were frozen like the Abominable Snow-Monkey fresh from the bathtub!" Ed chuckled.

Eddy growled at Ed.  He got up and looked at the books Edd was flipping through. "Oh geez, not that psychology junk again!  You don't think you're gonna try any of that stuff on _me_, do you?"

"Eddy, you're currently the laughing stock of the cul-de-sac, I hardly think you want _that_, do you?_"_  Edd sighed as Eddy glared even more forcefully at the books.  "And lest you've forgotten, there's also the small matter of Kevin's quarter, still on your person..."

"What're you talking about, Sock-head, I never touched – " waving an irritated hand at Edd, he was surprised to discover his fist had been clenched tightly around... " – Kevin's quarter?"

"You grabbed it as you passed out, Eddy.  Not even Kevin and Rolf together could pry it away from you."

"You held it tighter than…uh…" Ed scratched his head, then looked back up.  "Something that holds things really tight, Eddy!"

Edd sighed.  "Eloquent as ever, Ed…But the point is that that's _Kevin's_ quarter, Eddy – if you don't deliver as promised, you'll have to offer him a refund..."

Eddy's glare slipped a little as he glanced from Double-D, to the books, to the quarter in his hand.  A bead of sweat grew on his forehead.  "All right, fine!"  He threw himself down on his bed, glowering at the ceiling.  "Do your Cyclops-ology junk on me, see if I care!"  He sat up and scowled at Edd.  "But it better have nothing to do with that hypnotizamathingy because everyone knows my will's too strong for that." 

"…if you say so, Eddy..."

"Can you feel the mashed potatoes tonight?"  Ed retrieved his notebook and wrote:

_"Soft like an onion and bright as a gumball_

_Tomatoes are neat_

_And you smell like one too!"_


	3. Inventions and Inspirations

Eddy waited impatiently in Edd's garage for the invention that would, of course, solve all of his problems. 

"Careful…just a few more turns…" Edd mumbled to himself as he made some last-minute adjustments to his latest creation.  "And…we're finished!"  He stepped back proudly.  "The Neuro-Somatic Analyzer is ready for operation!" 

"Took you long enough," Eddy groused.

"I don't think you grasp just how difficult it is to construct such high-precision equipment out of cardboard boxes and discarded household items, Eddy."  Edd lovingly polished what looked to be a highly modified cheese-grater sticking out of the top of the device.  "But I suppose there's no sense in splitting hairs now, is there?  Please be seated and we'll begin!"

Eddy watched uncertainly as a spark of electricity arced between a pair of hockey sticks.  "What am I, your guinea pig?  This hair's way too valuable to split – try it on Ed first!"

"'Try it on Ed'?"  Edd was nonplussed.  "But Eddy, this device was built for the express purpose of evaluating _your_ reaction to various stimuli so we can pinpoint exactly what about Nazz's presence triggers your extreme adverse reaction!"

Eddy's lips moved as he tried to puzzle through Edd's protest, but then he dismissed it with an irritated head shake.  "Forget it, Sock-head, I ain't going near that thing until I see it work on someone else!"

Edd let out an exasperated sigh.  "Oh, very well Eddy, if you insist on being your usual stubbornly irrational self!"

"Oh, I _insist_!"

"So, so ungrateful," Edd muttered as he turned to Ed.  "Oh, Ed?  Would you mind assisting us for a moment, please?

"With hot-sauce on my toes, Double-D!"  Ed bounded over, only missing Edd's contraption by inches.  "And how can I complicate matters today, little mister?"

"I need your assistance in demonstrating my Neuro-Somatic Analyzer to Eddy – so please put this sensor on, if you would," he held out what looked to be half a hollowed-out bowling ball, "and we'll begin."

Ed eyed the 'sensor' and edged away uneasily.  "I don't know, Double-D, it sort of looks like the egg of a Razor-Backed Throw Pillow from Planet Ottoman!  What if it tears out my brains and uses them for stuffing?"

"It'd be the flattest pillow on the whole stupid planet," Eddy grumbled.

Edd pointedly ignored Eddy.  "I assure you, Ed, it's perfectly harmless!  We'll simply place this atop your head – " as he approached, Ed backed farther away.  "Ed, you'll need to stand still so I can outfit you with the sensor."  Ed continued to dodge him.  "Ed, would you please remain where you are?"

"Razor-Backed Throw Pillow, Double-D!"

"Oh, for crying out loud, don't either of you trust me?"  Edd put his hands on his hips and glared at his friends.  Ed looked away guiltily, while Eddy met his gaze with an unabashed grin.  "Very well, if I _must_ prove my competency to the two of you _yet again_…"  He sat down and donned the 'sensor,' adjusting attached dials as well as he could while it was perched atop his own head.  He grumbled to himself and scowled at his friends, but suddenly paused mid-mutter as an idea came to him.  Brain-sucking pillows, indeed...

"Gracious!"  Trying hard not to giggle, he put on his best 'alarmed' face and clutched the sensor in both hands.  "It is sucking my brains out!!  Oh, help, Ed!"  Ed wasn't listening, his attention no doubt captured yet again by one of his typical flights of fancy.  Edd cleared his throat and tried once more.  "Ed, help!  My brains are being devoured by the dreaded Razor-Backed Throw Pillow!"

"Eddy, do you think pianos are ticklish?  I want one that laughs in C-Minor!"

"Ed!"  Edd indignantly waved his hands as Ed finally looked at him.  "Aren't you listening to me?  I said this device is sucking my brains out!"

Ed smiled sagely.  "Sometimes life gives you Brussels-sprouts, Double-D!"

"'Sometimes' – " Edd clucked his tongue in exasperation.  "Ed, don't you even care?!?  This is so out-of-character!"  Ed just chuckled.  "It'd be far more like you to launch yourself at the horrible brain-sucker in a spectacularly over-the-top attempt to save your dear companion – like, like _this_!"  He ripped the sensor off his head and bashed it against the wall, frowning at the complete lack of impact that had.  "Or perhaps more like this," grunting at the effort, he picked it up and threw it down as hard as he could, but once again made nary a dent.  "Okay, now I'm really getting vexed!"  Taking a deep breath, he snatched the sensor and flew into a frenzy of action, bashing it against the wall, the floor, the ceiling, anything he could hit.

When the dust cleared, the Neuro-Somatic Analyzer was still in perfect condition, not a scratch or dent to be seen.  Beside it Edd stood sweating and gasping for air, staring forlornly at the traitorous contraption.

"There, there, Double-D, we cannot all be spectacularly over-the-top!"  Ed went to pat Edd on the shoulder, but at his touch Edd, utterly worn out from his exertion, suddenly disintegrated into a disorderly pile of squiggles.  Ed gasped and hid his hands behind his back.  "I didn't do that, Eddy!"

For a moment there was silence, then from the pile of Double-D debris came his voice:  "Well…_that_ was particularly ill-advised…"

"Gee, really?  I never would've guessed, Professor Obvious."  Eddy rolled his eyes, even as he got a broom and dustpan to scoop his friend up.  "I guess that means it's your turn, Ed."

"One for the penny, and two for the show!  And three for who knows what!"  Ed replied as he galloped out of the room.

****

"You are going to love this, guys!  Do not peek until I say so, okay?"

"Like we could if we wanted to, Ed!"  Eddy tried again to shove himself away from Ed, but the larger boy held tight with one arm wrapped around his eyes.  "Are we there yet?"

"Almost, Eddy!"  With one arm wrapped around Eddy's eyes, and the other around Edd's, Ed had to use his head to butt in the door to his room.  He led his friends inside and let go.  "Okay, we are here where we are!"

Edd waved away the lingering stench of moldy cheese and looked around.  "And just _why_ are we in your room, Ed?"

"To cure Eddy, Double-D!  Look, I brought a surprise guest-star!"  Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out Jonny, who was grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Boy, Plank, that was even scarier than that time we got chased by those carpenter ants, huh Buddy!"  He beamed at Ed.  "Plank says you've got the market cornered on Pocket Landfills, Ed!"

Eddy interrupted before Ed could thank Plank.  "Ed, what the heck's Jonny doing here?  You guys are supposed to be helpin' me – uh – " he frowned at Jonny.  " – iss-kay azz-Nay – not hosting a babbling idiots convention!"

"Been there, done that, Eddy!"  Ed picked Eddy up and plopped him down in his tattered easy-chair.  "Now listen good so Jonny can fix you!"

"Forget it, Ed, I don't need help from Beebo the Wonder Dweeb and some floorboard reject!"

"Oh, but Eddy, Jonny helped me so good when I was scared of him, remember?"  Seeing his friends' blank expressions, Ed elaborated.  "I was in my happy place until Sarah told on me, only she told Jonny instead of Mom because he was dressed up like my mom so he could take away my mouth and send me to the Kanker Pit!"  He shuddered in remembered horror.  "Then I woke up and you were mad 'coz I could not win you a tippy-toes ribbon so Double-D had Jonny sit down and talk with me until he screamed and woke up from his nightmare and I was all better!"

Eddy stared wordlessly, then elbowed Double-D in the ribs.  "Ain't this about the time when you're supposed to explain what's going on to me?"

"Would that I could, Eddy…"  Edd looked equally baffled as he peered at Ed.  "But I suppose it _is_ up to me to make some semblance of sense out of this…"  He took out his notebook so he could try to keep track.  "So, Ed, are you telling us you had a nightmare about Jonny?"

"Get with the Cheetos, Double-D, it was Jonny who had the dream!"  Ed rolled his eyes.  "I was just a Fig Newton of his imagination!"

"I…see…"  Edd glanced at Jonny.  "And did you indeed have this so-called dream, Jonny?"  Jonny nodded cheerfully.  "So then afterwards you went to Ed for counseling about it?"  He looked slightly put-out.  "I must admit, he doesn't seem like the obvious choice if you ask – "

"No way, Double-D, me and Plank don't tell our dreams to anyone, do we Buddy?"  Jonny grinned at Plank.  "We don't want people thinking we're weird or anything!"

Edd blinked.  "But if you didn't tell him, then how did he know…?"

Ed shook his head and chuckled.  What a silly little fellow his friend could be sometimes!  "Duh, Double-D, I was _there_!  And so were you and Eddy and Nazz and Kevin and Sarah and Jimmy and Plank and a gymbag competition!"

Edd shut his eyes and rubbed his temples.  "Let me get this straight."  Gathering his reserves, he tried again.  "Jonny, you recently had a nightmare of fairly major severity."

"Yep!"

"And Ed, you're fully aware of the contents of this nightmare."

"That is correct, sir!"

"Despite the fact that Jonny never told you about it."

"Do not stop the rocking, Double-D!"

"And the reason you know about it, so you claim, is that you were _in_ this dream yourself."

"Right as rabbits!"

Edd mulled this over.  "But that…that doesn't make any sense!"  He looked around at everyone, his eyes ringing up at the sheer illogic of it all.  "Doesn't anybody see??"  Ed and Jonny simply smiled, while Eddy tapped his foot impatiently.  "Ed, you can't possibly know about someone's dream just because you were in it, that simply cannot happen!  I mean, consider the implications if that were true, why, we'd all be privy to the innermost thoughts and subconscious emotions of our every friend and acquaintance!  Not to mention the – "

"Aaarrgh!!"  Eddy shoved Edd aside and glared around.  "I don't CARE how Ed knows Jonny's stupid dreams – WHAT does this have to do with ME?!"  Ed smiled blankly back at him.  "WELL?!?"

Ed put a hand up to his mouth and thought for a moment, then returned his gaze to Eddy.  "Your call cannot go through as dialed, please deposit fifty cents!"  He looked at Jonny.  "Hey, look guys, it is Jonny!  Hello Jonny!"

"Hiya, Ed!"  Jonny returned Ed's wave.  Edd and Eddy stared, Edd twitching slightly while Eddy began turning an unhealthy shade of red.

Jonny beamed at them.  "Boy, Plank, you're right!  Double-D and Eddy really do need to learn to relax and go with the flow!"

"I'll give you flow," Eddy grumbled.  But Double-D took Plank's advice to heart.

"Relax!  Of course!"  He put a hand to his forehead and shook his head.  "How foolish of me not to have thought of this sooner!"  Suddenly reenergized with the spark of a new idea, he trotted towards the door, his notebook out and ready for his newest plans.  "Let's go, fellas, I'm going to need some candles, a well-padded mat, and some chamomile tea!"

Eddy slouched after him, sparing one final glare for Jonny.  "Thanks a lot, Melon-head, you just had to get him going again, didn't you?"

"Bye Jonny!"  Ed bounced up the stairs, taking Eddy with him.  "Come back and play with us again!"

"Will do, Ed!"  Jonny waved.  "Boy, Plank, those guys sure are a handful, huh?  What's that?"  He listened.  "Hey, yeah, I bet there _are_ some really neat sewer pixies hiding down here!"  He laughed wildly as he ran for Ed's closet.  "First one to spot one gets to make the wish, right?  Okay, okay, you get the wish!  Boy, Plank…"  His voice faded as he ran deeper into Ed's closet.

*****

"I still say this is a waste of time," Eddy grumbled.  "We'd _could _be outside scamming the shirt offa someone, but nooo – Little Mary Sunshine says I gotta learn to 'relax'."

"Relaxation is the key to social confidence, Eddy," Edd replied absently as he lit the last of the scented candles.  "You'll thank me when we're through."

"I ain't thankin' no-one, Sock-head."  Eddy sat on his bed with his arms crossed.  "And I don't need _you_ telling _me_ about 'social confidence' – I'm only doing this to keep Ed happy!"

"And happy I am!" Ed looked pleased indeed as he crammed another candle into his mouth.  "Look, Double-D, I am Wax-Lips, scourge of the Wax Museum!"

"That's nice, Ed."  Double-D was not to be shaken this time.  "But please remember to extinguish the flame before you ingest any more of my votives, all right?  No antacid in the world was designed to deal with heartburn _that_ severe."  His giggle at his little joke turned into a sigh as a metallic clang rang out behind him.  "Ed, what did I say about chewing on those windchimes?  Why don't you hand them over before you chip a tooth?"  He took the windchimes from his disappointed friend and bent them back into shape, listening carefully to the silvery tinkling they gave off as he tapped them.  "Perfect!"

"Oh, come on, what is this?"  Eddy jammed his fists in his ears.  "The candles are sissy enough, I ain't listening to no stupid yoga noise!"

"But Eddy, proper relaxation requires an atmosphere conducive to tranquil meditation!  Granted, there's scant hard data to support the use of these admittedly clichéd accoutrements, but anecdotal evidence suggests that many people find it soothing – give it a chance, I guarantee it'll help you achieve your lofty goal of kissing Nazz by getting you past that phobia of yours!"

"Hey-hey-hey, I _ain't _afraid of kissing Nazz!  It was – it was the heat, yeah, that's it!"  He nodded to himself.  "It was way too hot out there, that's all it was!"

"Oh, come on, Eddy, I can't help you if you won't face up to your fear!  I'll admit we haven't yet established that it's a genuine phobia per se, but that seems a reasonable working hypothesis, don't you think?"

"No, it ain't a working _anything_!"  He glared defensively at Edd.  "And if anyone has a stupid phobia around here it's you, _Dodgeball_ _Boy_!"  Grinning at Edd's stunned expression, Eddy widened his eyes and raised his voice to a well-practiced high and nasal pitch.  "Oh dear, gym class is so threatening!  Don't throw the ball at me, you might bruise my brain!"

"Now you leave my neuroses out of this!" Edd snapped, his face reddening and his hands clasping nervously before he could regain his composure.  "I was only trying to help, _Eddy_, but if you feel you can handle this on your own," he crossed his arms and turned his back, "then by all means, please be my guest!"

"Fine, I will!"  Eddy jumped off the bed and stomped towards the door.  "Who needs you anyway?  Come on, Ed, let's go show those dinks who the _real_ Man of the Cul-De-Sac is!"

"Okay, Eddy, but I think Victor is really a girl…"

Edd remained where he was, his back still to his friends as he rolled his eyes.  "Oh no you don't, Mister, you're not ensnaring me with your shamelessly blatant guilt trip – not _this_ time!  I am _not_ moving from this spot until you apologize for your thoughtless dismissal of all my hard work – Eddy, are you listening to me?"  He glanced over his shoulder, his indignant attitude faltering as he realized his friends were leaving.  "Eddy?  Eddy, wait, you're not ready!  Oh, he's so pig-headed…"  Picking up a pillow lest Eddy faint to the ground yet again, Edd hurried after his friends, muttering all the way.


	4. The Moment of Truth, Take 2

ZephyrSamba here! Sorry for the delay in this story – once again, the fault is mine and not Jaha's! Though she deserves most of the credit for writing this chapter (hence all the good Ed bits =), I certainly merit the blame for the delay in posting it (darn those shiny objects that keep luring me away!). The next chapter will come along more quickly, I promise. In the meantime thanks for your patience and, as always, thanks for reading! 

* * *

Eddy didn't have a hard time finding Nazz. He and Ed located the kids playing in the cul-de-sac.

"Hey, check it out guys, it's Sweet-Lips!" mocked Kevin as he saw Eddy approach.

Eddy struggled to hide his embarrassment as he felt sweat drip down his neck.

"Is hot-shot-Ed-boy going to make like a fish out of water again?" asked Rolf.

"Who, me?" squeaked the less-than-comfortable leader of the Eds.

Ed joined Eddy in the cul-de-sac, "Eddy wishes to challenge your planet's prime minister for the last slice of bacon!"

A silence followed.

"I CAME HERE TO KISS NAZZ, YOU IDIOT!" Eddy screamed, dramatically breaking the silence.

An even greater silence followed.

And then an even greater amount of laughter.

Edd muttered "Oh, dear..." from where he stood on the sidewalk, not quite caught up to his friends.

Meanwhile, Nazz was making an escape. She began backing slowly out of the scene shortly after Eddy arrived, and was almost safe until the kids noticed her attempts.

"Come on, Nazz!" Kevin called, "Eddy wants a second try. Don't worry, it's not like he's actually going to do it!"

Eddy growled at Kevin, "Oh! I'm GOING to do it, Kevin. You just watch!"

Nazz reluctantly rejoined the group, smiling politely once again.

"Y-yeah, wouldn't want a c-customer not to get their money's wo-worth..." Eddy stammered, looking around desperately for a way out. Suddenly he came up with an idea. "That's why Ed here is going to kiss Nazz!" he pushed Ed towards Nazz.

"Why, hullo Miss Nazz!" Ed greeted Nazz with a beaming smile.

Nazz couldn't help but smile back at the lovable oaf. "Hi, Ed."

"Go on, Ed, kiss Nazz." Kevin said. He would rather have it be Eddy – but what the heck, any dork in a storm.

"Okie-dokie!" Ed replied. He leaned over and, before Nazz could prepare for it, kissed her on the lips.

The kids around them gasped.

"I'm telling Mom!" Sarah yelled.

"How romantic!" Jimmy commented.

Edd fainted.

After a few seconds, Ed and Nazz separated.

"Yep, that's why they call me Wax Lips!" Ed said proudly.

Nazz just stood there with an astonished expression on her face.

Eddy's and Kevin's jaws dropped to the ground.

"Ed…is a **good** kisser?" Eddy asked, shocked.

"No way, man." Kevin said, equally shocked.

Another very awkward silence filled the cul-de-sac. Edd woke up and sat on the cement looking confused and Nazz had disappeared entirely.

"**I **WAS SUPPOSED TO KISS NAZZ!" Eddy screamed. He leapt on Ed and grabbed him by the collar. "YOU STOLE MY KISS WITH NAZZ!"

"Eddy, wait, be reasonable!" Edd hurriedly joined them in the street. "_You_ passed the responsibility of kissing Nazz to Ed, you can't blame _him_ for this – " he quailed as Eddy focused his baleful gaze on him, "Th-this, ah, unfortunate turn of events!"

Eddy continued to glare at him, his clenched fist shaking while Edd edged back towards the other onlookers, but finally he just grumbled and walked away.

Edd watched him go with an uncertain mix of relief and concern. "Ed," he said, "why do I have the feeling this story does not end here?"

"Inspiration and stubbornness are fountains of endless strawberry jam, Double-D!" Ed grabbed Edd and waved him cheerfully at everyone before galloping off to see what Eddy was up to.__


	5. Shoulda Thought of This Before!

"Come on, Double-D, we gotta get Eddy some corn chips!" Still toting Edd under one arm, Ed galloped around to the back of Eddy's house and headed for his door. "And also a tuba!"

"Ed, wait!" Ed squirmed out of Ed's grip just before Ed could use him to bang on the door. "A cumbersome brass wind instrument won't help him in any way right now, what he needs is our understanding and support as he comes to terms with this latest humiliating failure!"

Ed nodded enthusiastically. "Good idea, Double-D! Can I be the one he yells at this time? You always get all the fun!"

Ed's words caused Double-D to halt abruptly, his knuckles inches away from Eddy's door. Ed had a point, inadvertent though it may have been. Had he thought this through completely? Eddy _had_ suffered two vastly painful blows to his ego this afternoon, in front of the whole cul-de-sac no less. He was sure to be in an even less hospitable mood than usual and could probably come up with myriad reasons why his friends should take the blame for the whole wretched experience. Edd pondered this. Perhaps he should give Eddy some time alone to heal his psychological wounds; yes, that would be for everyone's best.

But then again…he knew Eddy well, knew he didn't heal so much as brood when left to his own devices. Edd glanced at the window to Eddy's room but it was drawn tightly shut. Why, he was probably sitting in that gaudy, uncomfortable chair of his right now, all alone in the dark…the traumatic embarrassment of this afternoon playing over and over in his head…the other children's cruel, mocking laughter amplified in his ears until he was deaf to all other sounds…

Edd leaned against the door to steady himself as the waves of guilt threatened to knock him over. Eddy needed his friends right now. Wise or not, Edd just _couldn't_ walk away. "Eddy? Eddy, are you in there?" There was no answer to his knock, so he tried the door; finding it unlocked he slid it open.

The raucous music that blasted out blew him halfway across the yard.

"Wa-hoo!" Ed hung onto the doorjamb, laughing as his feet flailed out behind him. "It is like floating on a cloud of rhinoceroses!" Suddenly he dropped to the ground as the throbbing disco music abated.

"Hey, guys!" Eddy sauntered over after turning down his record player. "What took ya so long? This hairdryer won't work itself, you know!"

Ed's eyes lit up as Eddy thrust an enormous hairdryer upon him. "Cool!" He held it up with both hands and began 'shooting' imaginary foes. "Are we going hunting for wild Arctic rice-cakes, Eddy?"

"No, Wing-nut, we're gonna get _me_ looking sharp so I can go kiss Nazz in style!"

"'Kiss Nazz in style'?" By this point Edd had staggered back up to Eddy's door and now stood on the threshold staring incredulously at his friend, his earlier concerns suddenly replaced with a much more familiar type of concern. "Eddy, don't tell me you _still_ haven't abandoned this absurdly ambitious aspiration of yours?"

"Yep." Eddy grinned and ran a comb through his hair. Suddenly he frowned. "I mean, _nope_ – I mean – " he growled in frustration, dismissing the question entirely as he turned back to Ed. "Hey Lumpy, go polish my shoes for me, will ya?"

"You can call me on a Monday!" Ed turned on the industrial hairdryer, picked up the platform shoes lying by Eddy's bed, and put them in the current of the dryer's airflow. Much to his delight, they shot across the room and embedded themselves in the wall. "Shiny!"

Eddy turned back to Edd and gestured smugly towards his shoes, even as Ed began searching for more items to blow around. "Does _that_ answer your question?"

"Better than I ever could have hoped, Eddy…" Edd watched apprehensively as Eddy returned to his primping. "So I only have one further question for you – and I hope you'll forgive me if I sound somewhat overemphatic here, but…well…WHAT THE SAM-HILL ARE YOU _THINKING_?!?" He waved his arms wildly. "I mean, _really_ Eddy, we've already _tried_ everything we could reasonably have come up with and then some!"

Eddy nodded in triumph. "That's it exactly, Double-D! We've tried everything _you_ guys know – _that's_ our problem!"

Edd blinked. "I'm not sure I'm following you, Eddy…"

"Then lemme put it this way, Einstein: If I wanna know all about boring stuff nobody cares about, I'd ask you, right?" Edd scowled, but bit his tongue and waited for Eddy to continue. "And if I needed to know about some stupid monster movie or stuff that smells really bad, I'd ask Ed."

Ed looked up from where he was using the hairdryer to blast Eddy's bed around the room. "Count on me for all your stupid stinky needs, Eddy!"

"Ed, please, you're likely to blow a circuit…" Edd eyed him speculatively, "…of that hairdryer, if your luck holds…" Ed just laughed and blew Eddy's lava lamp out the door. Giving in with a sigh, Edd turned back to Eddy and asked what he knew his friend was waiting for. "And just _where_ are you going with this, Eddy?"

"Where I'm going, Sock-head, is straight on to Macho-land!" Eddy was all grins. "Like I was saying, I never had a chance that last time – you two don't know squat about kissing a girl!" Glancing at Ed, he reddened slightly. "Uh…well, at least _you_ don't, Sock-head…"

Edd glared at the ceiling, growing somewhat red himself. "Always ready with a supportive word or two, aren't you, Eddy?"

But Eddy wasn't listening. "So if you guys can't help me, who can?" He pulled out a bottle of aerosol cologne and pushed the nozzle, disappearing in a miasma of pine-scented ego. When the cloud cleared, he breathed deeply and grinned at Edd's bewildered expression. "My _brother_, who else?"

"Y-your brother?" Edd blinked. He should have expected that. He really should have.

"Yeah, my brother! Who knows more about wowin' chicks than him? He's cooler than cool, he's hipper than hip, he – "

"He is more like a nacho than a baseball bat!"

"Shut up, Ed." But even Ed's outburst did nothing to dampen Eddy's spirits. "Lumpy's right – sorta – my brother's the Big Cheese, Double-D! And I'm just a chip off the ol' block, right? It just took me a while to remember that, but now that I have…" he winked at himself in the mirror. "Look out, ladies!"

Edd watched in dismay as Eddy pulled two outfits out of his closet and examined each in turn, trying to decide between a catastrophically paisley Nehru jacket and an olive-colored leisure suit with lapels wider than even Jonny 2X4's admittedly sizeable head. "Really, Eddy, this is just too much!" He followed Eddy around the room, ducking alligator belts and oversized gold medallions as Eddy collected his accessories and tossed them onto his bed. "Listen to me, Eddy, I know you don't want to hear this but perhaps this just isn't the right time for you to initiate amorous contact with the opposite sex! There's no sense in forcing the matter, these things happen in their own time, just like – like summer rains you never can predict, or – " Seeking inspiration for a convincing analogy, he turned around and suddenly gasped as he saw Ed facing the opposite wall with the hairdryer aimed directly at it. "Ed, no!"

But he was too late, for just then Ed flicked on the hairdryer and the force of the current caused a recoil that sent him tumbling, first into an unsuspecting Eddy, then into Edd as he was trying to scramble out of the way. Two of them yelling frantically, the third laughing in utter delight, the Eds careened into – and through – Eddy's wall and into the yard beyond, only stopping when they rolled into the fence and collapsed.

As the dust settled and the world slowly stopped spinning, Edd stared up at the sky and began plucking blades of grass out of his teeth. "A-as I was saying, Eddy, some things are only a matter of time…"

Eddy stood up woozily, but upon seeing Ed he shook off his dazedness. "And some things are a matter of MY FIST!!" With a growl he leapt on Ed.

Still not getting up, Edd shook his head and sighed as he listened to a series of thumps and crashes nearby. "If only Mother Nature were as predictable as the two of you…"


End file.
